Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting
Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment.
Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt important. When she married and had her own children, she knew that she didn't want to treat her children the way she had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.
Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with her children, playing with them, listening to them, and giving them much affection and approval. However, because it was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy to put herself aside. She actually believed that her children's feelings and needs were more important than hers. As a result, Angie swung the other way from her own upbringing and became a permissive parent.
The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was that she didn't value herself. The results for her children of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than others, and often not being caring and respectful toward others.
Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values both the parents' and the children's feelings and needs. Loving parents do not attempt to control their children - other than in actual situations of health and safety - nor do they allow their children to control them. They do not violate their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they allow their children to violate them. They do not expect their children to give themselves for others, nor do they give themselves up for their children.
Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves enough to not worry about being rejected by their children. They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their children. Their identities are not tied into their children's performance in school or in other activities, such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how their children look. They are accepting of who their children are as individuals, even when their children are very different from them. They do not impose their way of being onto their children, yet at the same time they solidly reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity, caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.
As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you will automatically protect against these fears in your relationships with your children. You may find yourself trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of rejection can manifest with children through trying to control them with anger, or through trying to control their love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest through attempting to get your children to perform in the way you want in order to define your worth.
In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy children means first healing the wounded child within you - the part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and your desire to protect against rejection and domination.
Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting and the result of both is far less than desirable. We have only to look at the number of people taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as the number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as the rise of crime and the number of people in prisons, to know that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.
Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in the process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org. Phone sessions available.
Childrens Safety in Public Places - 10 Useful Tips
My kids ask me all the time to take them to playgrounds or any other public place. I can't help to think that the risk involved in this is greater than we are often aware of.
Talk Your Child Clever
Most parents can hardly wait for their baby to say its first word. This usually happens between the nine months and a year.
Fun Things to Do with Your Kids this Summer
10 Fun Things You Can Do With Your Children this Summer that Won't Break the BankFor a family with small children like my own, a big family vacation in the summer isn't always an option. But just because your summer entertainment budget is small doesn't mean you and your kids can't have lots of fun this summer.
Growing Good People
At age seven months in the womb, humans begin language coordination in response to what they hear through the mother's belly wall. Some 52 muscles learn to respond to the various phonemes (a basic language sound like 'b' in boy and 'm' in man) of the language surrounding that belly.
Creating a Memorable Travel Journal Using A Stuffed Animal
You may remember The Red Couch Project, a book by artists Kevin Clarke and William Least Heat published in the 1980s documenting the travels of a red velvet couch across America.This is a wonderful concept to adapt in creating a travel journal or scrapbook for your child, making a personalized photo history of his adventures and connecting him with the experiences for years to come.
Helping Your Kid's Grow a Garden
Start some gardening traditions with your kids. Give them their own garden patch and a spot to dig.
Parenting Your Teenager: How to Build Trust
``Mom, can I go to the mall with my friend Jenny?''``No, not after you came home late last night.''``Well, everyone else gets to.
There are times when my ideas of raising a child is different from the elderly and others. To begin with, my baby is not an easy one.
Vehicle Safety - Following Simple Vehicle Safety Tips Can Reduce Auto Accidents and Injuries
Child Car Seat Safety:We know you love your children, but so many people do not follow these simple car seat safety principles. By following these easy steps you can ensure your child is completely safe in your car.
Reading Activities Parents Can Use For Their Children
Using 14 "at" Flashcards To Teach Reading:This exercise helps your child increase the speed with which she reads the words she has a grip on so far. Write each of the words flat, chat, brat, spat, splat, and drat on a separate index card.
Child Communication Skill: Do You Really Know What Your Child Is Saying To You?
Here's the scene of communication with your child: your three-year-old boy is bawling his eyes out. Hurriedly, you run over, and ask "What's wrong?".
Road Trip with Kids
Boredom, limited space and overflowing energy are a source of nuisance for a child when in a restaurant - how much more in the narrow cage of a car on a hour-long ride. You have barely left your home when the notorious "Are-we-there-already" starts, sometimes replaced by the equally infamous "How-long-is-it-still-going-to-take" and "I-have-to-pee" (the latter preferrably on highways with no possibility to stop).
Parenting Problem? 5 Simple Things That Will Help
What is a parenting problem?Parenting is a tough job, we all know that. Parents face many situations that they are not familiar how to deal with.
In Defense of the Jelly Bean
Should a parent give a child a tangible reward when he or she has behaved properly or performed some important task such as doing homework, or helping around the house? Understandably, many parents are hesitant to use incentives, such as prizes, or food treats, to influence their children, especially considering the negative comments by some, but not all, contemporary parenting experts. For many parents, giving their children rewards feels like bribery and to them, should be thus avoided.
Back to School Feng Shui
Every school year parents and students dutifully trudge through the malls in search of the perfect sneaker or the cool new outfit for the coming school year. However, it's unlikely that the new shoe or shirt will benefit them as much as a new design in the bedroom.
Surprising Fun Solution to Kids Moods and Attitudes
As a parent, are you at your wits end? Does your child control you? Does your child act up in public? Does your child ignore you, whine, argue, show disrespect, have "moods" or "attitudes", throw tantrums, and drive you crazy? If this sounds familiar, you aren't alone. Parents across the country face the same problems.
Potty Training ?To Train or Not to Train?
I have always found the notion of toilet training a toddler to be a bit much. I didn't feel right about pushing my girls to do something I felt would eventually come naturally.
Picky Eaters - Successful Strategies Part 1
What is in a name?The answer is everything!Jo J. of Victoria, Texas said that her son was a very picky eater between the ages of four and six and refused to eat many of the dishes she made, until she discovered the art of renaming recipes.
Graduated Driver Licensing (GDL) for Teen Drivers
Drivers 16 years of age have little driving experience, putting them at high risk for traffic accidents. A series of five research papers published in a September 2002 supplement of Injury Prevention addresses reducing this risk.
Medications: Addressing Parental Fears and Concerns
Recently, a parent came to me, conflicted over whether to follow her pediatrician's recommendation of placing her young son on medication. His difficult behaviors had escalated in recent years and after trying behavioral strategies and food elimination diets, there simply hadn't been much progress in his maintaining himself.
|home | site map|