Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
Demanding children - children who have entitlement issues - seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted ("I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!"), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, "I want ?.! Give it to me! Get it for me, now!" They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as "It's not fair!" or "You don't love me!" or "What about what I want?", or by getting angry, shutting down or crying piteously.
Why are there so many demanding children?
Olivia grew up with a self-centered demanding critical mother who never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned early to take responsibility for her mother's feelings by being a good girl. Now, as a parent herself, and not wanting to do to her children what her mother did to her, she has gone the other way. Rather than being demanding and self-centered, she is compliant and self-sacrificing. Rather than being an authoritarian parent like her mother was, she is a permissive parent, giving in to her children's demands rather than setting appropriate limits.
Olivia tends to give much to much credence to her children's feelings. All they need to do is be upset about something and she stops what she is doing to attend to them. They have learned to use their feelings of hurt, irritation and anger as a means of control. Olivia thinks she is being loving when she makes it "safe" for her children to express their feelings. The problem is she is not discerning the difference between having feelings and using feelings as a means of control. Because she gives her children's feelings so much importance, her children have learned to use their feelings against her.
Olivia's children need to learn to care about Olivia instead of just trying to get her to give herself up to meet their demands. The only way they will learn to care about her is if she learns to care about herself.
Demanding children are difficult to be around. They have a hard time keeping friends and as adults they create chaotic relationships. So let's take a hard look at what we need to do to support caring in children rather than self-centeredness. Authoritarian parenting often creates compliant/caretaking children, while permissive parenting seems to create narcissistic children. Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting - parenting that supports the highest good of both children and parents. Let's break the cycle of creating caretakers and takers. As parents, we need to learn to:
It is not a matter of swinging back to authoritarian parenting. It is a matter of expecting to be treated with respect and caring. Your children will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself. If you allow your feelings and needs to be invisible because you are not attending to them or making them important to you, your children will learn to see you and others as invisible. Children who see themselves as important and others as invisible because this is what their parents are role-modeling may become narcissistic, self-centered, demanding children.
It is not easy to move out of caretaking and into caring about yourself and others. Caretaking others was likely a form of survival when you were growing up. Yet to truly be a loving parent, you need to have the courage to behave in a way that fosters caring and consideration in your children, and this will never happen if you consistently put yourself aside for others.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:email@example.com. Phone sessions available.
All babies cry, but if yours cries a lot, isn't sleeping or is just plain irritable, many parents have found that a paediatric osteopath can help, particularly if the birth was difficult.By gently touching a baby, an osteopath can use manipulation to ease the tension and help improve the way baby's body functions.
New Mom...New Baby...New Debt?
Ah, there is nothing like being an expectant mom. Along with your expanding waistline comes the ever growing list of products for you and your new bundle of joy.
Selecting A Quality Day Care Center
Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care center to care for their child during the workday. We've listed important aspects of a daycare center's environment to evaluate when making your choice: Staff to Child Ratio.
Raising a Tobacco-Free Kid
We begin forming healthy habits at a young age. With all that we know about smoking, it is astounding that young people will still take that first puff of a cigarette just to see what it is like.
Vision: 20/20 Is Not Enough!
Now is an excellent time to have your child's vision checked. Don't be too quick to say, "My child's vision is fine: 20/20!" In many cases that is not enough.
5 Tips for Improving Communication With Your Teenager
Parents are always looking for ways to open up the communication with their teenagers. Here are 5 ideas that are all within your control.
How Is Peaceful Parenting® Different?
Peaceful Parenting® ideas are very different from other kinds of parenting practices that you have learned or read about. Certainly it is harder to practice Peaceful Parenting® than to simply threaten or bribe your child into following your directions or making what you consider to be the "right" choices.
The Neurology of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Part One
What is Happening in the brain of children, teens, and adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?The most recent models describing what is happening in the brains of people with Attention Deficit Disorder suggest that several areas of the brain may be affected by the disorder. These impacted areas include the frontal lobes, the inhibitory mechanisms of the cortex, the limbic system, and the reticular activating system.
The ADHD Parents Guide: Questions for the School
Here is something that you might want to keep if you are thinking about changing your child's school next fall or if you are planning to have your child tested by the school in the near future. Let me say this, if you are planning to have your child tested by your district, do not put off doing the paperwork.
Jammin with Your Kids: The Wonderful World of Music
Does music need to be "dumbed-down" for kids? The answer became quite clear to me and my husband as we observed how our own child responded to complex melodies and varied musical styles in the first months of her life.When I embarked on the recording of my children's music CD ("Wake Up & Go To Sleep", Artsong Music) shortly after my daughter was born, it didn't occur to me to create a happy little watered down collection of songs made just for young listeners.
Marriage, Divorce, and Kids
Are men to blame for the divorce problem in this country?It's been said that one of the reasons for the high rate of divorce in this country is the manner in which men choose their wives. Specifically, they choose their wives in a fashion similar to how they choose their next car.
5 Solid Reasons: Why Your Child Can Be An Achiever
All of us, including your child, entered this world equipped with a super-computer that can be programmed to achieve almost anything.We all have what it takes to function at optimum level--to be the best student, to be the best in our career, and to function efficiently in every area of our life.
Summer Survival The summer season is here and along with it comes summer vacation for the school-aged kids. Moms are now responsible for coming up with the ideas and curriculum for their children and I am the first to admit that by the summer my creative juices have just about run out.
Strategies to Help Boost Your Childs Self Esteem
Self esteem in an important quality for all children to have. As parents, you can help to boost your child's self esteem by following the steps below:Model good self-esteem: Express through your actions and words that you respect yourself.
Teaching Preschool Color and Shapes with Family Games
My kids just can't get enough of playing games with Mom and Dad--can yours?Sometimes we all take a break in the middle of the day and play a game together. Most of the time, I just make sure we play games so that we all have fun together.
Sibling Rivalry: The Magic Trick That Stops It Instantly
It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining that, "He got a bigger piece of pie," or "She got to stay up an hour later last night."When sibling rivalry rears its ugly head, what do you do?Try to reason with the kids? Scream, threaten or punish them? Ignore it and run for cover?None of these methods is very effective for very long.
Develop Your Childs Genius: Training Your Child for Success
This time, I would like to talk about a subject that is appropriate for every age group out there. Even we, parents, can benefit from this, we can develop success skills together with our children.
Stress is No Kiddy Matter
Kids today no longer live the kind of privileged lives that we used to live as kids. This, I am absolutely sure of?.
God Dont Like Rich People
I will never forget the day that my daughter's sixth grade friend told me that. We had been discussing someone who had recently lost a fortune and had become very bitter as a result.
Be aware. You may become totally overwhelmed when you get the results of the special education testing on your child.
|home | site map|